I can't get over him.?

Uh so me and my ex dated for almost 4 yrs. I asked for a break b/c of family issues and he didn't want to deal with that and just broke up with me. I was ok at first but then it hit and now he's all I think about, I'm miserable, I miss him SO much. But we got into a nasty fight, because I didn't want to pretend everything was over and ok when I was in love with him and after he just admitted still being in love with me. I still think he's in love with me, but I don't know as much anymore. I hate this! Every time we break up I can never get over him. And this has been going on for almost 4 years. I don't know if it's because he really IS the one for me, or if it's because I never give myself the chance to get over him for good. It's hard. Other than him being on my mind all the time, he was my first for almost everything, and we go to the same damn school! We even have some of the same friends! It's killing me. I'm so unhappy! He's everywhere, and today we met up at his rugby game (not planned) and we flirted, joked, and ect but I felt like there was this...wall between us. Like he was untouchable, and so far away. It was horrible. And even though he paid attention to me way more than anybody else and the game, when he joked around with my friend who was with me I got jealous and felt anxious. I hate it. I'm not a clingy or jealous person but this one guy brings all the worst characteristics in me out! I'm driving myself insane. I can't let go, and I always get my hopes up only to have them crushed and have my heart broken again and again and again! I'm dying inside and he doesn't even know it. I don't want to be friends cause I know I'll always want more, but I feel so empty without him in my life, like something's missing in my life. Like my heart. And we stopped talking completely after that nasty fight and I swear I thought that we were done for good. But then we saw each other at the game and though we didn't talk at first he kept looking at me and wasn't concentrating on the game at all. And whenever he's around I'm so distracted and flustered and unsteady! But then we slipped back into our old ways, minus the wall thing, and well...I'm scared to death if we get close again he'll instantly think we're friends and I will not pretend to be his friend anymore. Been there, done that, and it nearly killed me. But...I don't think I can take another goodbye. Not from him. What do I do?! I need him, but I can't get through to him! Why can't I get over him? Is it because he's always there, or because we're meant to be? Help!